In today’s English Lunch we had some fun with Monty Python!
We took a look at some of their most famous sketches – firstly by watching the relevant clip, then by giving everyone a part to play and finally by acting out the sketch!
Below you can find the details for the ‘Argument sketch’ – though I think we need to work on our acting skills!
The argument clinic
The cast:
‘Man’ (played by Sandra)
RECEPTIONIST (played by Heike)
MR. BARNARD (played by Omar)
MR. VIBRATING (played by Richard)
Mr. COMPLAINER (played by Heidi)
The sketch (Online)
Man: Ah. I’d like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly maam. Have you been here before?
Man: No, I haven’t, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what is the cost?
Receptionist: Well, It’s one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
Receptionist: Fine. Well, I’ll see who’s free at the moment.
Receptionist: Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
Man: Thank you. (Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Mr. Barnard: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Man: Well, I was told outside that…
Mr. Barnard: Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man: What?
Mr. Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!
Man: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I’m not going to just stand…!!
Mr. Barnard: OH, oh I’m sorry, but this is abuse.
Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Mr. Barnard: Ah yes, you want room 12A, just along the corridor.
Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Mr. Barnard: Not at all – (Under his breath) Stupid git!!
(Man Walks down the corridor and knocks on door)
Man: (Knock)
Mr. Vibrating: Come in.
Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr. Vibrating: I’ve told you once.
Man: No, you haven’t.
Mr. Vibrating: Yes, I have.
Man: When?
Mr. Vibrating: Just now.
Man: No, you didn’t.
Mr. Vibrating: Yes, I did.
Man: You didn’t
Mr. Vibrating: I did!
Man: You didn’t!
Mr. Vibrating: I’m telling you I did!
Man: You did not!!
Mr. Vibrating: Oh, I’m sorry, just one moment. Is this a five-minute argument or the full half hour?
Man: Oh, just the five minutes.
Mr. Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man: You most certainly did not.
Mr. Vibrating: Look, let’s get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
Man: No, you did not.
Mr. Vibrating: Yes, I did.
Man: No, you didn’t.
Mr. Vibrating: Yes, I did.
Man: No, you didn’t.
Mr. Vibrating: Yes, I did.
Man: No, you didn’t.
Mr. Vibrating: Yes, I did.
Man: You didn’t.
Mr. Vibrating: Did.
Man: Oh look, this isn’t an argument.
Mr. Vibrating: Yes, it is.
Man: No it isn’t. It’s just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: No, it isn’t.
Man: It is!
Mr. Vibrating: It is not.
Man: Look, you just contradicted me.
Mr. Vibrating: I did not.
Man: Oh, you did!!
Mr. Vibrating: No, no, no.
Man: You did just then.
Mr. Vibrating: Nonsense!
Man: Oh, this is futile!
Mr. Vibrating: No, it isn’t.
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr. Vibrating: No, you didn’t; no, you came here for an argument.
Man: An argument isn’t just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No, it can’t. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr. Vibrating: No, it isn’t.
Man: Yes, it is! It’s not just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that’s not just saying ‘No it isn’t.’
Mr. Vibrating: Yes, it is!
Man: No it isn’t!
Man: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. (Short pause)
Mr. Vibrating: No, it isn’t.
Man: It is.
Mr. Vibrating: Not at all.
Man: Now look.
Mr. Vibrating: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
Man: What?
Mr. Vibrating: That’s it. Good morning.
Man: I was just getting interested.
Mr. Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man: That was never five minutes!
Mr. Vibrating: I’m afraid it was.
Man: It wasn’t. (Pause)
Mr. Vibrating: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to argue anymore.
Man: What?!
Mr. Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh, come on!
Mr. Vibrating: (Hums)
Man: Look, this is ridiculous.
Mr. Vibrating: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid!
Man: Oh, all right. (Pays money)
Mr. Vibrating: Thank you. (Short pause)
Man: Well?
Mr. Vibrating: Well, what?
Man: That wasn’t really five minutes, just now.
Mr. Vibrating: I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid.
Man: I just paid!
Mr. Vibrating: No, you didn’t.
Man: I DID!
Mr. Vibrating: No, you didn’t.
Man: Look, I don’t want to argue about that.
Mr. Vibrating: Well, you didn’t pay.
Man: Aha. If I didn’t pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
Mr. Vibrating: No, you haven’t.
Man: Yes, I have. If you’re arguing, I must have paid.
Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man: Oh, I’ve had enough of this.
Mr. Vibrating: No, you haven’t.
Man: Oh, Shut up. (Walks down the stairs. Opens next door.)
Man: I want to complain.
Mr Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I’ve only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
Man: No, I want to complain about…
Mr Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
Man: Oh!
Mr Complainer: Oh, my back hurts, it’s not a very fine day and I’m sick and tired of this office.(Slams door. walks down corridor, …..)
English (UK) 
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